If u were only here to see me now. I miss you so much. I have so much on mind that I havent told anyone in 4 years. After you left life just hasnt been the same. I have no one to tell all my darkest secrets to. No one to tell all my problems to, no one to give me mom advice. Why did you have to leave? I wanted you to fight to live so you can see how much I have grown, but now all i have is all this hate in my heart lately. I look up at the sky and cry and hoping u can see all the tears that i flooded my soul with. Not a second goes by that I dont thik about you. If u were here right now I would tell you all on my mind all the things that I am so afraid to tell anyone else. U know I have trust issues and I u were the only person I trusted. I always knew that u would never tell anyone the things that i would tell you.
U know I am still single mom and you told me i would be but to hold on cuse someone is gonna come your way. U always told me to hold my head up high but days like this it is so hard with out u here. My job is fustrating, my love life sucks, and all my thoughts are so build up in my mind that they now have spilled over to my heart. That is about filled up now it is running into my soul. Who can i talk to about all the things i have going on. When you left you should have given me someone to trust. I am sitting here crying now as I write you this letter. I dont know how much longer I can hide my identity til I burst.
Sha is doing fine, I know u always told me i can talk to her about anything but i dont want to put the weight of my thoughts on to her. I need you here with me. I know i am being selfish cuse god needs angels, but u were my angel that god took away. U know there are so many days that I dont want to get out bed. I hold this smile on my face that is only a facade. If i could show my true self then i wouldnt be in control anymore and u know how i like to be in control of self. I think would have been betta if i had someone to lean on someone i could trust someone who was understanding the way u were. I didnt even get a chance to tell you good bye or see you lata. U never gave me that chance. U always told me that u werent gonna be here forever and I just paid that no mind cuse i thought u were gonna be here. Now I know betta. Well i have to end this cuse my emotions are all over the place right now. I love you and miss you forever. You son
D
RIP I miss and love you always.
11/13/07
liars
Ok I have a problem and i know everyone is gonna feel what i am about to say. I have been talking to this dude. He was real cool. Very nice dude well I thought he was. We have been talking about 3 months we met spent some time together and chilled. He kept asking me to be his man and i kept saying no and he kept asking me why and i told him cuse i am not ready. Well today the real answer came to mind. Him and i both are on yahoo. Well for the past week I have been coming online but being invisible. I find doing that u can catch a mofo in the act. Well the same dude i said no to about being his bf already has a bf of 7 months. I am like this is why i told him no in the beginning cuse my heart already knew something was going on. My heart never lies to me. I sometimes feel like i am at the circus with all the clowns that i meet.
I took out the time to evaluate myself to see if it was me. Yes some of it is me cuse i dont give dudes a chance by why should i give a clown a chance. I wont settle for less than anyone. I have high respects for myself and i expect the same. I will never be second to anyone but GOD. And no dude out here is god. So WTF. Yeah I am very understanding person. I give the person the benefit of the doubt. But after awhile that gets old. I will be 38 in less than 4 months and I am tried of being single but i wont just date anyone cuse i am tried of being single.
I have come to the conclusion that mos dudes online are just full of SHIT. Not all just 99.9%.
Can one dude keep one attention for more than 10 seconds and not be a liar a user or act like they come from the circus.
I took out the time to evaluate myself to see if it was me. Yes some of it is me cuse i dont give dudes a chance by why should i give a clown a chance. I wont settle for less than anyone. I have high respects for myself and i expect the same. I will never be second to anyone but GOD. And no dude out here is god. So WTF. Yeah I am very understanding person. I give the person the benefit of the doubt. But after awhile that gets old. I will be 38 in less than 4 months and I am tried of being single but i wont just date anyone cuse i am tried of being single.
I have come to the conclusion that mos dudes online are just full of SHIT. Not all just 99.9%.
Can one dude keep one attention for more than 10 seconds and not be a liar a user or act like they come from the circus.
11/12/07
flunkies
Yo my weekend was boring like all the rest. I meet this dude online on saturday. First of all I was like why i am meeting this dude when I know for a fact he aint what i want. I set myself up for this one.
I have been talking to this dude online for awhile. He seem so nice online til it was up to the time I was to meet him. He started asking me questions like what would u do if I didnt look the same as my pic. I was like what do u mean and he would ask the question back. I said i take it on a case by case bases but i dont like to be deceived. Well I meet up with dude out at wheaton mall on saturday night. I was expecting what I saw in the pic. Well of course like the others i was deceived again. I even asked homie to send me a pic again so when we met up i would know it was him. Well why did some dude that wasnt in the pic come up the me. I backed off when he called my name. He yelled out loud yo JD. I was like wow. I said sup. I had so many things racing through my mind. first of all homie lied about what he look like. Some short fat dude came up to me. I was like who are you. When he told me his name i had this look of another liar who wasted my time online again. I was like aight. He goes whats wrong and i was like u dont want me to answer that right now. And he was like so sup. I was like well another loser who lied to me and wasted my time. He said to me well u wouldnt have met me if i told u the truth. And i was like u cant say that cuse u never gave me a chance. He was like well u told me u not into big dudes and i was trying to change your mind. I was like well that aint the way to do it by lying. At that point i was so pissed off. I told him to have a good day and not to hit me up ever again. He goes u just like all the rest of the fags in dc superficial. I was like no i am not superificial i just dont like to be lied to by anyone. He goes well u should over look this and let it pass. How can i let something like this pass when u lied to me about who u really are. he told me i am still the same person. well if u are i am not gonna find out cuse i hate to be decieved by anyone. so i walked away and hopped back on the train to go home.
Why on my way home this nigga left me a bunch of crazy ass messages. Telling me he is gonna give my number out to all the fat dudes he knows so they will stalk me and come after me. I never called him back. He wrote me nasty ass crazy messages online. I would just erase them then they got out of hand so i put him on my ignore list. As long as I have been on yahoo I never put anyone one my ignore list.
sometimes I wonder to myself why do I meet all these crazy ass mofos. I am one of the most nicest dudes u will ever meet and I get all the bs. i am to old for drama and crazys but they come at me full force.
Another thing sup with all these brothas in this area looking for someone to take care of them. Get a job and take of your damn self. I have found out that a lot of our so called brothas lie cheat and steal and want some dude to take care of them. I get guys hitting on me online all day especially youngins expecting me to pick them up take them out and want someone to just take care of them. I am like do u realize that no one is gonna take care of self but self. I even have found some dudes around my age looking for someone to take care of them. I have been very independent for a very long time since i was in high school and i expect the same. I have been known to be very mean and selfish when it comes to my money cuse of what has happen with me surround this. I have gone out to dinner with dudes and asked for seperate checks which only would piss off a dude who wants a free ride.
I know this dude who has everything material wise and dudes have seen what he has and only wants him for that. Well he meet me and thought i was the same. I told him as such. I dont need a dude for his money or wealth I have my own money. I need a dude who is gonna be my friend and maybe more if we end up there. Him and I are still friends today. He knew where i was coming from and respects me for that. We talk about the losers we meet all the time and just laugh.
I have been talking to this dude online for awhile. He seem so nice online til it was up to the time I was to meet him. He started asking me questions like what would u do if I didnt look the same as my pic. I was like what do u mean and he would ask the question back. I said i take it on a case by case bases but i dont like to be deceived. Well I meet up with dude out at wheaton mall on saturday night. I was expecting what I saw in the pic. Well of course like the others i was deceived again. I even asked homie to send me a pic again so when we met up i would know it was him. Well why did some dude that wasnt in the pic come up the me. I backed off when he called my name. He yelled out loud yo JD. I was like wow. I said sup. I had so many things racing through my mind. first of all homie lied about what he look like. Some short fat dude came up to me. I was like who are you. When he told me his name i had this look of another liar who wasted my time online again. I was like aight. He goes whats wrong and i was like u dont want me to answer that right now. And he was like so sup. I was like well another loser who lied to me and wasted my time. He said to me well u wouldnt have met me if i told u the truth. And i was like u cant say that cuse u never gave me a chance. He was like well u told me u not into big dudes and i was trying to change your mind. I was like well that aint the way to do it by lying. At that point i was so pissed off. I told him to have a good day and not to hit me up ever again. He goes u just like all the rest of the fags in dc superficial. I was like no i am not superificial i just dont like to be lied to by anyone. He goes well u should over look this and let it pass. How can i let something like this pass when u lied to me about who u really are. he told me i am still the same person. well if u are i am not gonna find out cuse i hate to be decieved by anyone. so i walked away and hopped back on the train to go home.
Why on my way home this nigga left me a bunch of crazy ass messages. Telling me he is gonna give my number out to all the fat dudes he knows so they will stalk me and come after me. I never called him back. He wrote me nasty ass crazy messages online. I would just erase them then they got out of hand so i put him on my ignore list. As long as I have been on yahoo I never put anyone one my ignore list.
sometimes I wonder to myself why do I meet all these crazy ass mofos. I am one of the most nicest dudes u will ever meet and I get all the bs. i am to old for drama and crazys but they come at me full force.
Another thing sup with all these brothas in this area looking for someone to take care of them. Get a job and take of your damn self. I have found out that a lot of our so called brothas lie cheat and steal and want some dude to take care of them. I get guys hitting on me online all day especially youngins expecting me to pick them up take them out and want someone to just take care of them. I am like do u realize that no one is gonna take care of self but self. I even have found some dudes around my age looking for someone to take care of them. I have been very independent for a very long time since i was in high school and i expect the same. I have been known to be very mean and selfish when it comes to my money cuse of what has happen with me surround this. I have gone out to dinner with dudes and asked for seperate checks which only would piss off a dude who wants a free ride.
I know this dude who has everything material wise and dudes have seen what he has and only wants him for that. Well he meet me and thought i was the same. I told him as such. I dont need a dude for his money or wealth I have my own money. I need a dude who is gonna be my friend and maybe more if we end up there. Him and I are still friends today. He knew where i was coming from and respects me for that. We talk about the losers we meet all the time and just laugh.
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