Crush

Have you ever seen someone you get this instant crush? U feel like you are back in high school when you had the crush on the jock, the cheerleader, or the boy/girl sitting right in front of you in your english class. You would do anything to get his/her attention even if it was just for him/her to say hello.

Well that is how I have been feeling lately. I have this big huge crush on someone I work with. I cant keep them out of mind. Im constantly thinking about them. I had a dream about them the other nite. Man did it feel real. I was like whoa. I have never had a dream on someone i have had a crush on. I have never felt like this on a crush before. I have had crushes but usually they just come and go; this one is different. They always come and sees me and I just have to look away. I cant even look them in the eye. If i do then they'll know my secret. My eyes always tells the truth; they never lie.

Trust

I was watching this show and this woman said,

"Trust is not a feeling it is something that is earned not with your words but what you do."

It got me to wondering can trust be a feeling or is it something that can be earned? Or can you earn a feeling of trust? I think trust is a feeling that is earned because you earn that feeling of trust. I bet you wondering what that means. Well first of all you are not gonna trust someone right off the bat well except god I trust him with all my whole heart and soul. They are gonna have to earn it right. Well in order for them to earn u are gonna have a feeling whether or not to give it to them. So it is a feeling that is earn. You earn the feeling with there words or by what they do.

ITS A WRAP!!! - I was a rebound guy

I havent written a blog in so long. I am gonna start writing something at least once a week. I have to get back in the grind of this. Well today we gonna talk about my break up.



I was seeing this dude for awhile now. We were the best of friends. I knew his family for so long. He chased me and chased me and finally I said sure. Things well I thought were going great. Then one day he left my house and disappeared. He wrote me an email telling me he got back with this his ex. That I shouldnt be mad that he misses me and loves me. I was like ok an email break up. Well i wrote him back telling that I hope it works out for him. To be honest I hoped it didnt. Well a few weeks ago we finally saw each other, he was on his way to his new job and I was on my way home. We got into a serious arguement. I said some down right mean things. I want you to feel the pain that I feel. Well last nite we saw each other. When he saw me he hugged me so tight that he didnt want to let go. So we talked and I told him how I felt betrayed and hurt. I told him that I will always be his friend no matter what tiffs we got into, but that what we had will never be again. He was telling me how everything was failing around him. The reason why he left was to find himself. I was like ok. He told me he missed me and he still loves me. I told him that we can be friend. He said thats it and i said yeah. Right at that moment I felt everything was 100% over. That I can finally move on and go on with my life and find someone who is gonna be with me and not run back to there ex. I finally knows what it felt like to be a rebound guy cuse that was me.

Now thats it over. We will still be friends but nothing more. I can finally concentrate on what matters the most me.

my best friend - lil brotha

In all the years I have known my play lil brotha i never thought this would happen to me. I am in love with him. I have been for quite so time now, but I just ignored it. Finally god has put this right in my face and i dont know what to do about it. I told him and know I just want to take it all back. I am so afraid that I am gonna lose him now that i have told him. We still talk and text and that night wow that night. Everything went great we talked and hung out. I was so fucked up beyond fucked up. We drank and smoked til i couldnt no more. Then I layed in his arms. Those arms whoa those arms. As i was wrapped in them I felt this safeness, like he was my protector like the world just stopped and all i could hear was the measure of his heartbeat. I fell asleep as he stayed up and watched the movie. He woke me i alarmed the clock for him to get up in the morning for work. Then we climbed into bed and looked at each other and i told him everything. As we lyed there and just talked and I being drunk and high just confess my whole heart. Something I havent done in such a long time. I feel so comfortable around him. I just think I am to late. I remember the other times that he tried to holla at me and I always said not now. WEll is this not now for me. I knew all those times that he asked me to be with him that i should have took a chance. I always said he was to young and he knew time to grow, when in reality it was me who need time to grow. I was the one that was messed up and not ready. Now that I am ready I am just to late. I did something that i said i would never do which was step on someone elses toes. He has a boyfriend and his boyfriend doesnt like me to much. He always saw that bond that we had. He didnt like it when we were just chillin alone or talking and whispering like we always do. I know for one thing nothing would ever happen in other way cuse he is very faithful. That is one of the things that i admire about him is his faithfulness and love for one. He always wanted love and i was hoping i was the one to give it to him, but i was so scared and stupid. Even though i know he would have been 100% dedicated to me. There I go again just being non trusting and scared. I know i can trust him. I have my issues with that and i really need to let that go. I am trying and I think that is why god is blessin me. I have been meeting dudes when i go out. I am not being the shy dude but i still meet idiots. Well the feelings and love I have for him i am gonna leave it in god's hands.

Secrets and Trust

Secerts why do people keep them? Is it because they are embarassed of what they have done, someone told them something in confidence, or they just dont want to tell anyone. I have several secrets things I feel that god is the only person that should know. I get slack for keeping things from people all the time. It is not that i mean to but i just dont see in the point in talking bout things i feel that are private. The folks I hang out tell me everything and everyone elses business also. I am like damn, how are you gonna tell me someone elses business, something that someone probably told u in confidence.

My real problem with the secrets i have is trust. I have trust issues. It is hard for me to trust someone with things that are going on in my life cuse of the folks in my past have ratted me out. Meaning telling my business to everyone now I just keep everything to myself. I use to tell my mom everything until she died 6 years going on 9 years ago. She was my ear for everything. There was nothing that i wouldnt tell her. She was the only person I can absolutely trust beside god. So now I just keep things away from everyone.

I use to keep a journal, but i stop writing in that. I had wrote something about a friend and they saw it and decided to not talk to me anymore. It was nothing bad just a lil crush and they got scared. I never saw him again but anyways. Thats the reason why i stopped writing. I have this blog and this is public. The things i write here are just simple things nothing that no one has heard me say in the past.

Happy new year 09

Well the new year is here time to start a new chapter or book which ever one i want to start. I think i am gonna start a new book cuse the old ones are just so bland and tired. I am gonna write a story this year that everyone will never forget. I am finally gonna take charge of my life and do me. I always please and did for everyone and never did for myself now it is gonna be all about me. I know this may sound a lil selfish but hey no one thought or cared bout me in 08.

Another change i am gonna make this year is try to find a new career, new job title or a new place to work. The school I work at has run its course. The job i have to me is basically entry level position. I am beyond entry level. Way beyond. I have to get back on my grind and do this. I know there is something out there for me to do and make more money at. The way the school is going we could close up. We are out of funds they can barely pay us. I had 3 signs in 08 that we might close. Sign 1: all staff meeting - they called an emergency all staff telling us that we are in red and they bank could come and take over. Sign 2: layoff- they laid off 5 people within a couple of days. Sign 3: paychecks - they couldnt pay us on time. We had to wait for someone to pay us before we could get paid. That has never happen in the 4 years i been there. God has been sending me signs about this so i am taking heed and do as he is telling me. Ijust have to comply.

Another change is trying to save money to move. I have to move this year. The place i am in i have out grown. it is getting small and i am getting bigger so to speak. lol I have a studio and i am looking for either a condo, rowhouse, or renting again. I am hoping not for the latter. i really want to own I just need a betta job or hit the lottery. With my luck i would get the new job first. lol

I decided to stop smoking black and milds. I was coughin to much. U know 420 is my thing anyways. Black i smoked cuse my job stressed me out. So i am not gonna let my job stress me out. WEll that is all for new years. I hope i have a good one. tt4n

damn again - me and men

Today I was off. I had scratched my eye on monday morning and it was beet red. I didnt know anything about it until someone told me at work. And as the day went on it got worst. So I decided to stay home so it came get better and I can work a lil more productive. But that is not the reason for the blog. I just need an opening statement. Well I was on the way bus on the way home. I saw this cute ass younging on the bus. But truly when is there not a cutie on the bus. LOL well I was looking at ugly betty on my ipod. Yeah trying to get into something new. So as I was watching it. I felt someone just staring at me. So I looked up and it was the cutie that i saw get one the bus. Well when dudes start to check me out I get nervous and start to play with my tongue ring. Why I don't know. I think it is the impulse of what am I gonna say if dude approaches me. Well I began to check him out also. The bus was crowded but I didnt want anyone to know my business. So I do the usual I just smile and smerk it off. Just as things started to heat up my stop comes and I get off. Hoping he would get off with me, but he didnt. I waved at him but he stayed on the bus. Now I am sitting here thinking once again I fucked up. I dont know why it is so hard for me to talk to dudes. I just fumble well only if they are really interested in me and I am interested in them. I think if i would have talked to him and he said someting that caught my eye i would have stayed on the bus. But once again I didnt. I get so fustrated with myself when this happens and it has happened so many times. I just pray that I see them again but i usually dont. I really need to step up my game or I am gonna be single for the rest of my life. Not to say that every dude I meet i want him to be my man or my boytoy, but jezz the single life sucks. Well at times. LOL Yeah I like my freedom, but sometimes being tied down to the one you love would be great. I have been there only once, well one really good one. I am sitting here still stuck on this. I just wish it would go away like the other times.