9/30/08
damn again - me and men
Today I was off. I had scratched my eye on monday morning and it was beet red. I didnt know anything about it until someone told me at work. And as the day went on it got worst. So I decided to stay home so it came get better and I can work a lil more productive. But that is not the reason for the blog. I just need an opening statement. Well I was on the way bus on the way home. I saw this cute ass younging on the bus. But truly when is there not a cutie on the bus. LOL well I was looking at ugly betty on my ipod. Yeah trying to get into something new. So as I was watching it. I felt someone just staring at me. So I looked up and it was the cutie that i saw get one the bus. Well when dudes start to check me out I get nervous and start to play with my tongue ring. Why I don't know. I think it is the impulse of what am I gonna say if dude approaches me. Well I began to check him out also. The bus was crowded but I didnt want anyone to know my business. So I do the usual I just smile and smerk it off. Just as things started to heat up my stop comes and I get off. Hoping he would get off with me, but he didnt. I waved at him but he stayed on the bus. Now I am sitting here thinking once again I fucked up. I dont know why it is so hard for me to talk to dudes. I just fumble well only if they are really interested in me and I am interested in them. I think if i would have talked to him and he said someting that caught my eye i would have stayed on the bus. But once again I didnt. I get so fustrated with myself when this happens and it has happened so many times. I just pray that I see them again but i usually dont. I really need to step up my game or I am gonna be single for the rest of my life. Not to say that every dude I meet i want him to be my man or my boytoy, but jezz the single life sucks. Well at times. LOL Yeah I like my freedom, but sometimes being tied down to the one you love would be great. I have been there only once, well one really good one. I am sitting here still stuck on this. I just wish it would go away like the other times.
9/8/08
astrological signs
Everyone has there weakness, some say its food, some say it money, some say just life has then so weak, but for me it is an Aquarius. I have this thing for Aquarius men. Every dude that I have been attracted to turns out to be an Aquarius. I don't know what they do, but for some reason I can understand them. Well not all one Aquarius I couldn't understand and now looking back on it i am so glad I didn't. I was in a serious relationship with an Aquarius for 7 years he taught me everything, another one for 2 years that one was a disaster, and others dudes i have dated or hung out but nothing came of it. For me that Aquarius charm gets me. There swagger, there confidence, charm, and there sensuality gets to me. Mostly there senusality. They can touch you and put a spell on you that will have you so drawn into them. I dont know how they do it they just do. Or maybe they just know my weak spots. lol For me I am a pisces through and through. I am one of those love pisces. I am very romantic, chill, quiet stay to myself type person. And that meshes very well with an aquarius. Now they do have there down side. The one thing I dont like about a pisces is the trust issues that they hold. I thought I was bad but they got me beat in that area. It is very hard for aquarius's to trust anyone they get involved with weither it be friend or lover especially if they like or love you. One thing I can say about them they dance to there own song. Meaning they gonna do what they want. At one point both my sisters and I each dated an aquarius at the same time. We would all complain about the same thing. How untrusting they are. I know that is putting them all in the same barrel but shit if they all fit put em in there. I have asked aquarius's why they have trust issues and they say it is not trust it is jealousy, but we never admit that we are that. I just laughed and I understood also.
8/25/08
Monday Work Day - Blah
OK I went to work today and was in a good mood until i arrived there. I got into work about 6:30 - 7 am this morning. As the 52 bus was fast approaching the 5000 block of 14th street i just felt that day was not gonna be a good one. I got to work and no one where there yet. I tired to beat everyone to work so I can go in my office and hide out for along as possible. I got into my office and saw my green light was lit up. I looked over at the phone and I had 10 messages on my phone waiting for me to hear. I was like damn I was only gone for one day; Friday I took off to have a day to myself. Well as i was dialing in my code to hear my messages I was also logging on to my computer to check my email and get my day started. As I was listening to the messages I was like WTF. I opened up outlook to see I had 30 messages coming in. Not only did they leave me a message on my voicemail they also backed it up with emails. I got messages coming out my ass. I didn't bother to read any of them I just looked at them and I had to pray for god to help me today. Then my cover was blown, I was like shit in my mind. Next thing comes out of the person mouth is we need a set up in the great room. I was like OK. I work in the IT dept so I am always needed, but not this much neediness.
I found that I work with some of the most incompetent people around. Well not allot of people just like maybe 20% of the people I work with need something every minute of the day. And it is just simple stuff. I have people that call me on how to work website, how to transfer a call from there phone to another phone, how to work email, I need my computer fixed it wont work ( well if you plug it in stupid it would), I need this, I need that and most of the stuff is minor. Things that a 4 year old can figure out. I am like geez, take notes so you wont blow up my phone again for something I just showed you how to do.
Monday's seem to be the worst day of the week. I was off relaxing and I come into chaos. I can never seem to have a day off and come back to work and things be fine. I really want to find another job, but for some reason I really love what I do and for who i do it for. Don't get me wrong I am complaining now that is cause I am tired of it. But some days it does feel good to be wanted. LOL But not that much. For me I think it is that I have so many titles and not enough time to for fill these titles. I write student schedules, train new staff, train old staff, fix computers, maintain the intranet, maintain the EE database, make badges for all new hire, fix the phones, make sure everything is backed up, plus other things. I felt like I was writing my resume I had to stop. But you get the just of it. I think I am also tried of working from home. I have been working from home for the past 2 months now while also working there also. It is hard on me. Some days I don't even want to do the work cause I am so tired. I need a big break, a vacation. I hope I am not putting anything in the atmosphere with this vacation thing. Nah but serious I need a vacation where i can just go and do my thing. If I only had the money but that is another post. Well I just hope tomorrow is betta than today. I know it will i have god on my side.
I found that I work with some of the most incompetent people around. Well not allot of people just like maybe 20% of the people I work with need something every minute of the day. And it is just simple stuff. I have people that call me on how to work website, how to transfer a call from there phone to another phone, how to work email, I need my computer fixed it wont work ( well if you plug it in stupid it would), I need this, I need that and most of the stuff is minor. Things that a 4 year old can figure out. I am like geez, take notes so you wont blow up my phone again for something I just showed you how to do.
Monday's seem to be the worst day of the week. I was off relaxing and I come into chaos. I can never seem to have a day off and come back to work and things be fine. I really want to find another job, but for some reason I really love what I do and for who i do it for. Don't get me wrong I am complaining now that is cause I am tired of it. But some days it does feel good to be wanted. LOL But not that much. For me I think it is that I have so many titles and not enough time to for fill these titles. I write student schedules, train new staff, train old staff, fix computers, maintain the intranet, maintain the EE database, make badges for all new hire, fix the phones, make sure everything is backed up, plus other things. I felt like I was writing my resume I had to stop. But you get the just of it. I think I am also tried of working from home. I have been working from home for the past 2 months now while also working there also. It is hard on me. Some days I don't even want to do the work cause I am so tired. I need a big break, a vacation. I hope I am not putting anything in the atmosphere with this vacation thing. Nah but serious I need a vacation where i can just go and do my thing. If I only had the money but that is another post. Well I just hope tomorrow is betta than today. I know it will i have god on my side.
8/19/08
I wish
I know someone can relate to this. There you are standing there chillin and all of a sudden you see this fine ass shawty coming your way. You standing on the block waiting for him to just past you by. But you just watch and not say nothing hoping he will turn back and say sup. But he continues to walk. Just wish you could walk up to him and find out his deal and not get all angry and up in his feelings. Being like yo i dont go that way you fuckin faggot. So in order for that not to happen what do you do?
As for me I would never do that on the street. I would have a casual conversation, but nothing serious. There is are so many times I wish I could just reach out like that and get a dudes number, but we just be cool like that. I miss the straight dudes i use to hang out with. We would just chill and do those straight boy activities, u know pool, video games, 42o all day, basketball, nfl, and just straight chillin. The funny thing bout it is when we would go out i would get all the girls attentions. The guys would be like you gay and you can get girls why dont you switch. I would just laugh it off. They knew the deal and was very confortable being around me. I would never hit on them, try to so call change them, nor did i want to be with any of them well except one but that isnt gonna be told. Next LOL Not to say that the friends I have now arent cool to hang out with I just wish they would be a little more adventurous and not do everything gay. Yeah its cool to do some gay things but not all the time.
I was on the bus today and this guy sat across from me i checked him out from head to toe. God he was so sexy his swagger was on point, and he checked me out to. I wasnt lookin right today just ordinary lol. Yes I do have those days. LIke tomorrow. But I knew he wanted to say something but i put my music on and he could hear it cuse he was boppin his head. I was lke damn my music was that loud. I had on some Usher and I played my song Here I stand and will work for love my 2 favorite love songs of 08 besides Mariah songs they are in all year long.
Well he got off the bus and checked me out from the window I was like damn another time another place. If only these dudes would step up on the plate. I would let them know the deal. I could give them the code like they did on COVER. Such a good ass movie, but funny and serious in alot of ways. Check it out very good I'll talk about that in another blog. But anyways I think they feel intimadated cuse I am like 6'6" tall. Guys get scared of that, plus I dont carry myself like I get down. So how does one put themselves out there but not all the way out there? I feel like I am at a cross road sometimes.
As for me I would never do that on the street. I would have a casual conversation, but nothing serious. There is are so many times I wish I could just reach out like that and get a dudes number, but we just be cool like that. I miss the straight dudes i use to hang out with. We would just chill and do those straight boy activities, u know pool, video games, 42o all day, basketball, nfl, and just straight chillin. The funny thing bout it is when we would go out i would get all the girls attentions. The guys would be like you gay and you can get girls why dont you switch. I would just laugh it off. They knew the deal and was very confortable being around me. I would never hit on them, try to so call change them, nor did i want to be with any of them well except one but that isnt gonna be told. Next LOL Not to say that the friends I have now arent cool to hang out with I just wish they would be a little more adventurous and not do everything gay. Yeah its cool to do some gay things but not all the time.
I was on the bus today and this guy sat across from me i checked him out from head to toe. God he was so sexy his swagger was on point, and he checked me out to. I wasnt lookin right today just ordinary lol. Yes I do have those days. LIke tomorrow. But I knew he wanted to say something but i put my music on and he could hear it cuse he was boppin his head. I was lke damn my music was that loud. I had on some Usher and I played my song Here I stand and will work for love my 2 favorite love songs of 08 besides Mariah songs they are in all year long.
Well he got off the bus and checked me out from the window I was like damn another time another place. If only these dudes would step up on the plate. I would let them know the deal. I could give them the code like they did on COVER. Such a good ass movie, but funny and serious in alot of ways. Check it out very good I'll talk about that in another blog. But anyways I think they feel intimadated cuse I am like 6'6" tall. Guys get scared of that, plus I dont carry myself like I get down. So how does one put themselves out there but not all the way out there? I feel like I am at a cross road sometimes.
7/29/08
Changes - Put it Gods Hand
Why do people complain and not want to change the things they complain about?
My pastor said that in his sermon one day. And I looked up and thought about myself. Do i complain I do. Then he goes on and he made this statement to the congregation.
He said "When you complain you will remain."
I thought hummm what does that mean. He continued on with his sermon but, I will sum up the short version for the sake of this blog. It means when you complain about the same things over and over again and not change those things you complain about you will remain in the same situation and nothing will change. It also means more negativity will come your way. Then you start to lose faith inself wondering will it change.
Now why would someone want to live a of negativity. Well imy opinion is you have to have faith. In God first and once u have faith in him he will give you the faith you need for yourself. Once you have those things in your life things will change for the better. But you also have to be willing to give up the negativity in whatever form it comes in. Yeah I know you thinking easier said then done. You and you alone have to want the change.
I had his sermon on my mind today. I have someone who is a friend and i want the best for him. The situation he is in is not the best but I love him and I care about him as a friend should. I just wish he would take the steps and change his situation. Its not healthy, cuse all the negativity he is feeling I am feeling why cuse I am his friend. So I am trying to help him change. I give him advice and like everyone says you can give all the advice you want but it is up to the person take it or not. I see him going through the same thing he just left. He doesnt see it but I do and he took steps to break that away. Thank god. I have faith in him that he will do the right thing and change back to the person I once knew. Now I am sitting here asking myself what should I do? How can I get him to change and see that he doesnt have to remain in that same situation. I just pray and ask God to guide him down the right path. God wont put on you more than he thinks you can handle. Trust I know from experience.
So now I have a knew saying Changes - Put it in Gods Hand and you won't remain the same you can change as long as you have faith.
My pastor said that in his sermon one day. And I looked up and thought about myself. Do i complain I do. Then he goes on and he made this statement to the congregation.
He said "When you complain you will remain."
I thought hummm what does that mean. He continued on with his sermon but, I will sum up the short version for the sake of this blog. It means when you complain about the same things over and over again and not change those things you complain about you will remain in the same situation and nothing will change. It also means more negativity will come your way. Then you start to lose faith inself wondering will it change.
Now why would someone want to live a of negativity. Well imy opinion is you have to have faith. In God first and once u have faith in him he will give you the faith you need for yourself. Once you have those things in your life things will change for the better. But you also have to be willing to give up the negativity in whatever form it comes in. Yeah I know you thinking easier said then done. You and you alone have to want the change.
I had his sermon on my mind today. I have someone who is a friend and i want the best for him. The situation he is in is not the best but I love him and I care about him as a friend should. I just wish he would take the steps and change his situation. Its not healthy, cuse all the negativity he is feeling I am feeling why cuse I am his friend. So I am trying to help him change. I give him advice and like everyone says you can give all the advice you want but it is up to the person take it or not. I see him going through the same thing he just left. He doesnt see it but I do and he took steps to break that away. Thank god. I have faith in him that he will do the right thing and change back to the person I once knew. Now I am sitting here asking myself what should I do? How can I get him to change and see that he doesnt have to remain in that same situation. I just pray and ask God to guide him down the right path. God wont put on you more than he thinks you can handle. Trust I know from experience.
So now I have a knew saying Changes - Put it in Gods Hand and you won't remain the same you can change as long as you have faith.
3/13/08
Our Brothas
Yo sup wit our young blk men of today. I watch the news and all i see are most of them are going to prison. It is so sad to see young brothas between the ages of 16 - 21 killing people over something so minor. MONEY. It is the root of all evil. Its like the devil just said, "Shit u need some money just go out and take it". Most dudes do it to impress someone. Who do they really need to impress. Impress yourself is what i say. Who wants to live a life time in prison or maybe even deathrow. U will be stuck behind 4 walls for the rest of your life with some dude named Bubba. LOL Who wants a life of someone tellin u what u can and can not do. Please i couldnt take it. It would drive me crazy not to see the ones i love all for a one stupid moment. Cuse u need those brand new kicks that your boy had. Everyone is so up on material things. Why should someone worry about what u have take care of self and do for self not worry about what the next person has.
I am watching the news just a few minutes ago and saw the 2 guys who killed the Student Body President of UNC. She was young and so were they. 17 and 21 and they both were black. We already have this black cloud hanging over us so why make the cloud bigger. And the bad thing he knew he was gonna get caught when he tried to use her bank card at an atm when we all know all atms have cameras in them. Now that is young and being stupid. He was already stupid for thinking that killing someone of that status that he wouldnt get caught.
See the devil thinks that you wont get caught, but u will evenutally get caught and that is when kamra sets in. And when it does u are gonna stand in front of a judge say not guilty get a public defender and go to prison for the rest of your life. Now u are judge by 12 of your peers, they see the evidence, they find you guilty and the judge sentences. Now you are gonna die in prison. And for the rest of your life you will think about that one huge mistake you make and wish you could take it back. But its gone and over and now you are sitting there. Once u are in you stay in you new home is a cell. U are now young fresh meat is what they will call you. And they will take more than your pride away. LOL
Most people would say were are all the good role models. Well back to my point they are in jail or prison. Only in there world u aint no body til u go to prison. Well if that is the case then i will stay a no body. lol I work with young black males on a daily basis and I let them know that you can be anyone u want to be but dont be one of them. They know where i am coming from. With me working in education and being a computer tech I see them everyday. I talk to the future black males of today and they tell me there problems and the things they go through at home and in school. I listen and i go back to saying u can be anything u want to be. The world wants you to fail only you can show them u wont. They say one bad apple can spoil the bunch well i disagree cuse that one bad apple can get kicked out the barrel by the good apples. I just had to get this off my chest. Well until next time.
I am watching the news just a few minutes ago and saw the 2 guys who killed the Student Body President of UNC. She was young and so were they. 17 and 21 and they both were black. We already have this black cloud hanging over us so why make the cloud bigger. And the bad thing he knew he was gonna get caught when he tried to use her bank card at an atm when we all know all atms have cameras in them. Now that is young and being stupid. He was already stupid for thinking that killing someone of that status that he wouldnt get caught.
See the devil thinks that you wont get caught, but u will evenutally get caught and that is when kamra sets in. And when it does u are gonna stand in front of a judge say not guilty get a public defender and go to prison for the rest of your life. Now u are judge by 12 of your peers, they see the evidence, they find you guilty and the judge sentences. Now you are gonna die in prison. And for the rest of your life you will think about that one huge mistake you make and wish you could take it back. But its gone and over and now you are sitting there. Once u are in you stay in you new home is a cell. U are now young fresh meat is what they will call you. And they will take more than your pride away. LOL
Most people would say were are all the good role models. Well back to my point they are in jail or prison. Only in there world u aint no body til u go to prison. Well if that is the case then i will stay a no body. lol I work with young black males on a daily basis and I let them know that you can be anyone u want to be but dont be one of them. They know where i am coming from. With me working in education and being a computer tech I see them everyday. I talk to the future black males of today and they tell me there problems and the things they go through at home and in school. I listen and i go back to saying u can be anything u want to be. The world wants you to fail only you can show them u wont. They say one bad apple can spoil the bunch well i disagree cuse that one bad apple can get kicked out the barrel by the good apples. I just had to get this off my chest. Well until next time.
1/18/08
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